My Kids Are Asleep

My Mom Mind Is Total Chaos & I Guess That’s Permanent?

My mind is total chaos. It’s such chaos that my notes app just suggested I change the wording to “my mind is in total chaos,” but I don’t think that’s right: it. just. is. total. chaos.  I’m having one of those mom weeks where I feel stressed and kind of overwhelmed and I don’t know why.

Now that I’m writing it down, I guess I DO know why: It’s because I have two small children and I’m responsible for them 24/7. Even when they’re asleep, I’m keeping one ear out for them. Even when I’m asleep, too, I’m keeping one sleeping ear out for them.

Right now, it’s 3:45 pm on a Sunday. I’m sitting in my living room, Linnea is upstairs napping and Miles is outside “helping” his dad shovel dirt into planters. I keep trying to take this opportunity to write down the thoughts that are in my head, but every three minutes Miles knocks on the door saying “Mommy! Open the door!”, insisting I get him peanuts or crackers (“‘not THOSE crackers, graham crackers!!”) or water (“not THAT water, apple juice water!”) (I don’t know what apple juice water is, either) or help him wash his hands, even though he’ll be headed right back outside to get them dirty again. It’s taken me about 45 minutes to write these three paragraphs, and I’ll be taking what will probably be a daylong break from this post in 7 minutes when Linnea wakes up.

Okay, I just read the three paragraphs I’ve written and I’m cringing (by the way, as predicted, it is now a day later, Monday around 2 p.m.) They sound so complain-y. I guess it’s hard not to sound like that when I’m feeling chaotic and stressed and overwhelmed, but WOW. I sound like a brat. I’m complaining about the act of … being a mom, having a toddler who needs snacks and games and attention, having a baby who needs food and sleep and needs to have her basic human needs met because she’s a BABY.

But, as is so often the case, two things can be true. I can choose to be a mom and also have days when the only thing I want to write about is how chaotic it is to be a mom. I can choose to be a mom and also feel annoyed that I can’t do anything for longer than three minutes at a time without being interrupted by a tiny human being. I can choose to be a mom and also be mad at myself for having the audacity to birth two children in a year and a half. I guess I should have said: Six things can be true.

So that’s the lesson, the lesson I need to relearn and re-teach myself about once a week: Two things can be true, and I can choose to be a mom, love to be a mom, and also acknowledge that being a mom is 100% chaos. 

I learned it last month, when our plane ride was chaos. I learned it two months ago, when I realized I was creating a two-year-old monster. I learned it in January, when yet another covid wave took over everyone’s life. I learned it when both my kids got sick. I learned it when I went back to work after my second maternity leave.

And I’m learning it right now, on day 3 of writing this short, simple blog post after being interrupted by tiny people 1,543 times. Maybe I’ll get a break when the little one moves out of the house?