Linnea is five and a half months old and today is her first day of daycare (insert crying-face emoji … not laughing-crying-face emoji, just straight-up crying).
I feel sad and guilty and confused and scared and SAD a second time. Overall, my state of mind is completely different from how I felt when Miles started daycare last February, when he was around 14 months old. When we put Miles in daycare, he was ready and his dad and I were ready. Miles was walking and starting to talk and showing his little personality. He was ready to socialize with other kids. He was sturdy. He was on his way from being a baby to being a toddler. He had been home with us every day since he was born, through maternity leave and going back to work in the midst of a pandemic.
Truthfully, my husband and I were so ready for a break. We were ready to focus 100% on work during work hours, rather than divide our attention between work and caring for our son.
But today, on Linnea’s first day of daycare, I can’t help but admit that maybe this time, we’re NOT ready. Maybe she’s not ready and maybe I’m not ready. (My husband seems pretty ready but that’s for him to write about in HIS blog. Just kidding he would never.)
She’s young. She’s not even a half-year old yet! Where Miles felt sturdy when we started him, she does not. She still feels like a baby. She still IS a baby. She’s not walking; she’s not even crawling. She’s nowhere near talking; she doesn’t even have her first teeth. She’s not ready to socialize with other kids yet – she’s months and months away from being aware of other babies and other kids.
And yes, she’s been with me and/or her dad every single day since she’s been born, but I don’t feel like I need a break. For one thing, it’s only been five and a half months, and for another, she’s a total delight. Not that Miles wasn’t a delight, but Linnea is just … easy. She smiles, she laughs, she barely cries, she eats, she sleeps, she’s hardly given us any trouble since the day she was born. I’m knocking on wood as I write that because clearly once I put that all out in the universe something is going to happen. Sleep regression? Late-onset colic? Sudden refusal to eat anything? I’ll keep you all updated on how the way I’m totally jinxing myself plays out.
That’s all to say, I would have been happy continuing to hang out with her all day, every day. As I write this, I’m sitting on my couch, eating an apple and taking a break from work. I’m looking out the window at the gray, rainy day, feeling like a sad little lonely cliche. The problem is, that’s just not a realistic option for our family. Why? Mom’s gotta WORK.
But actually daycare is kind of great
Here’s where I acknowledge all the things that make it actually kind of okay that she’s starting daycare – partly to be a balanced writer, and partly to be my own therapist and try to make myself feel better.
We know and love our daycare. Miles has been there for almost a year, with no big issues. We like the teachers, we like the administrators and Miles seems happy there (well I mean he throws a fit every day when I drop him off, but he also throws a fit when I pick him up or offer him an apple or brush his teeth or literally anything). If we’re going to send our tiny little baby girl to daycare, at least it’s one we already know.
The daycare has a live-stream! I can tune in any time to watch Linnea sleep or eat or roll over. Granted, the constant video access kind of gives me anxiety, but I’d rather have a camera than no camera.
In a way, it’s better to start ‘em young. This way, Linnea won’t remember a time she wasn’t being cared for outside the home. She’s not old enough to have stranger danger, so she wasn’t upset when I dropped her off. There won’t be this huge transition sending her to daycare when she’s one or one and a half or two.
We tried to find a babysitter for Linnea instead of sending her to daycare as an infant, but we didn’t have any luck (where’s the babysitter’s club when I need it?). In fact, we met a few potential sitters who seemed great, but their references didn’t check out … and in two cases, their references brought up major red flags. We ultimately decided it’s better to send her to a professional place with professional certifications and multiple qualified adults present! Daycare feels safe.
Hey, listing off those things actually does make me feel better. Nice job, self.
THAT BEING SAID it’s 1:30 p.m. and her teacher just called to let me know she’s “slightly fussy.” GOTTA GO!