When I was pregnant with Miles, my anxious personality led me to constantly wonder whether the baby was okay in there. Before I could regularly feel him kicking and somersaulting — and honestly, even sometimes after that milestone — I would wonder: How do I know he’s alive?
My doctor told me some people use a Doppler heartbeat monitor, the same machine OB-GYNs use during prenatal appointments, to hear their unborn baby’s heartbeat during the first half of pregnancy. But she cautioned that it causes some parents even more anxiety because non-doctors often don’t use the machine correctly, so you’re scanning your belly, can’t find the heartbeat, freak the eff out, and rush to the doctor’s office, only to have the trained medical professional find the heartbeat with no problem.
For that reason, I opted against using the Doppler. I’m also not using it during this pregnancy, and now that I’m at the 19-week mark I’m starting to feel her little kicks in my lower abdomen.
I’m experiencing something similar with the livestream camera at my kid’s daycare. At first, I thought, this is great! I can see what Miles is doing at any given time and make sure he’s safe.
But — and I OF COURSE should have predicted this — now I’m equal parts obsessed with and freaked out by the camera. I can’t stop looking at it. I’ll be in the middle of a work Zoom meeting and my fingers start itching with the urge to check out what my baby’s doing.
So I mute my microphone, pick up my phone and open the WatchMeGrow app. Satisfied that Miles is safe and sipping on his little cup, rolling balls around the floor or sitting in a chair chewing on a book while all the other kids are napping, I close the app …. Only to open it again 4 minutes later. A lot can happen in 4 minutes! He could be doing an entirely different activity! I could miss what he’s eating for his snack!
And then there’s the other thing, the more problematic thing. Earlier today, I checked the app. In the first camera view, four of the kids were playing. Miles wasn’t one of them. So I moved on to the other two camera views and he wasn’t in either of those, either. Where the hell is my kid? I flipped through all the views multiple times, and Miles never showed up.
I was all set to get in my car, race down to the daycare center and lay eyes on my baby in person when I finally saw his little orange pants and blue socks toddle into the screen. There he was, safe and sound and carrying a stacking cup. My heartbeat slowed, my breathing returned to normal and I called off the rescue mission.
Still, that’s a problem. I have to trust that the daycare can take care of my kid without checking in on him 15 times a day. It might be time to delete the app to save myself from self-induced freakouts. I guess I should also cancel plans to implant a tracking device inside my child’s body….