[This was originally written and published in October 2021, as you may be able to tell from my use of the word “cheugy”. Re-posting in October 2024, a few days after our fourth annual disastrous trip to the pumpkin patch.]
Welp. Just got back from a family trip to the old pumpkin patch.
It was … terrible. And honestly, I think I expected it to be terrible. We do these things as parents because we’re supposed to. We’re supposed to build traditions, take our kids to do activities, get out of the house, celebrate the seasons, maybe educate them a little bit. And then, as a secondary benefit, sometimes we have fun.
When we took Miles to the pumpkin patch last year, it WAS fun. In retrospect, maybe that’s because he was only 10 months old: Too young to walk, too young to talk, too young to complain. We got to put him in a stroller and go for a nice little walk around Bob’s Farm (yes, that’s really what it’s called). With Miles secured in his seat, We admired the pumpkins, walked through the corn maze, watched little kids go down the slide, bought some apple cider and called it a day.
This year, Miles can walk, he can talk, he can complain, and we have something else to be responsible for: an 11-week-old baby.
So when I made plans yesterday to go to the pumpkin patch (not Bob’s this year, sadly), I felt a little apprehensive. I knew it would be a bit of a challenge to contain Miles while also keeping Linnea warm and safe and fed. But … it’s October and it’s Saturday. What else do you do besides go to the pumpkin patch?
Here are my recommended steps for your Fun Fall Family Outing:
Step 1) Look up the particular pumpkin patch you’re heading to, just to make sure you don’t need to reserve tickets in advance. See that the website says ‘we expect crowds today. Be sure to pack your patience.’
Step 2) Turn to husband and tell him to pack his patience, and while he’s at it, pack the kids’ patience, too.
Step 2) Spend a full hour getting the kids dressed and packing up the diaper bag.
Step 3) After five minutes of driving, realize it’s 44 degrees outside and you forgot the baby’s hat. Decide she’ll be fine because you don’t want to turn the car around. Spend a few minutes feeling like terrible parents.
Step 4) Mom and dad get in a fight over directions. (Mom was right.) (Says Mom.)
Step 5) Enter the parking lot three minutes after the patch opens. You’re directed to the extra parking lot because the main lot is full. Already. Make a mental note to get to the patch BEFORE it opens next year. (JK next year grandma and grandpa can take them.)
Step 6) Venture into the open field that’s dotted with hundreds, maybe thousands, of orange, green and white pumpkins. Toddler doesn’t care. He just wants Mom to carry him while he points out all the cars in the parking lot because cars are cool and pumpkins are not.
Step 7) While husband loads up a few pumpkins to bring home and toddler continues to Not Care about them, the kid in the next group over trips and falls. As he screams and cries, you feel momentarily good because your toddler is not currently screaming and crying. The other mom makes eye contact and says ‘well, this is fun.’ Then she directs her attention to the kid and says, ‘if you’re upset we can go home right now. We don’t need to be here.’ See her face fall when her toddler says he would like to stay.
Step 8) Baby starts to cry in the front pack. Husband takes her to the car to feed her.
Step 9) Even though you’ve only been there for approximately seven minutes, ask toddler if he’s ready to leave. He decides he actually DOES care about the pumpkins and informs you NO! STAY! WALK!
Step 10) After walking through the patch for 30 seconds, kid decides he wants to be carried.
Step 11) After being carried for about 20 seconds, kid decides he wants to walk.
Step 12) repeat steps 10 and 11.
Step 13) Walk to the gift shop, which is the one place moms actually want to go because we like to buy those speckled mugs with the name of the farm on them. Yes, moms are basic. Or is it cheugy now?
Step 14) They don’t have any mugs.
Step 15) Walk back to the car. Toddler refuses to get in because NOW he’s obsessed with the pumpkins.
Step 16) Let kid have another round running around the pumpkin patch. After all, he’s enjoying himself and that’s what you’re here for.
Step 17) After about 15 minutes, it’s time to go. Toddler obviously refuses to leave, so pick him up and carry him, kicking and screaming, to the car.
Step 18) Strap child into the car seat, kicking and screaming. (Him and/or you.)
Step 19) Look at the clock on the dashboard. It is 10:50 am.
Step 20) Sit in the backseat between the two kids while husband drives home, freeze halfway to death because toddler insists on having the ‘minnow’ open and what toddler wants, toddler gets. Pull into driveway and realize there’s still another hour until nap time. Then realize you didn’t take one photo, so what even was the point of going to the pumpkin patch.