Any other moms out there feeling weirdly ashamed for how they acted or didn’t act before they became a mom? And in a similar vein, any non-moms feeling shame for simply … not being a mom?
Over the last several months, I’ve noticed several posts popping up on Instagram that say something like this:
That’s a tame version of this trend that I hope ends soon.
I’ve also seen several apologetic posts saying things like, “I’m sorry to my mom friends for how I treated you before I had kids of my own,” and “I owe an apology to all my co-workers who are mothers; before I had my own kids I didn’t show you enough compassion and empathy when you needed to leave work early to take your kiddos to an appointment.”
Then there are the ones specific to visiting a friend or family member after a baby is born. Those go something like this: “Now that I’ve had my own baby, I know I shouldn’t offer to hold the baby when I go visit a newborn and her mom. I should offer to make dinner and do the dishes,” or “I don’t want you to come over and hold my baby; I like holding my own baby. I want you to bring me groceries and do the laundry.”
They make me feel … weird. Sort of ashamed of my pre-mom self, for maybe not speaking to my friends the “right” way after they had a baby, or maybe not communicating “correctly” with a co-worker who had kids. Kind of embarrassed that I always asked to hold babies when I visited new moms and dads before I had my own kids, and also that I still do that now.
Should I be apologizing to my friend who had kids a few years before me, for some non-specific potential transgressions? For being a few years after her in the baby timeline?
For not understanding firsthand how breastfeeding feels? For not knowing exactly what it feels like to wake up multiple times per night? For holding her babies when they were four days old, and not bringing enough food for her and her husband to eat? For bringing stuffed animals for the newborns instead of more practical things that I now know I would have wanted, like burp clothes and pacifiers?
I don’t think I should be. I don’t think my friends who had kids before me would want me to apologize. I don’t think most moms feel secretly or outwardly resentful of how their friends act when they visit their newborn. I certainly don’t feel that way.
Sure, people who have their own kids understand the newborn stage on a visceral level. But people who don’t have their own kids are also humans who understand things and have interacted with people before.
Posts like these are condescending and annoying. Can we stop shaming people for not having kids as soon as other people have kids, or not having kids at all?