I’m obsessing over something this week. Maybe it’s silly, and maybe it’s not. That’s why I’m obsessing over it, I think: Because I don’t know if it’s silly.
This is embarrassing, but I got into a bit of an online comment battle last week. It stemmed from a post on Refinery29’s Money Diaries series, in which a diarist, who doesn’t have any children, was packing up to visit a friend one day with her dog. Because it took awhile to get ready to go, she wrote, “Having a dog is like having a baby.”
The full backstory is here, but long story short: I, humiliatingly, wrote a comment. I said, “It’s not like having a baby.” Then I immediately felt bad about it. My comment was a little dismissive and a little annoying.
But still. Having a dog is not like having a baby.
Several other commenters responded, saying things like “eyeroll emoji” and “there’s always one annoying person who says something like this” and “actually, it is kind of similar.”
And then.
I responded again. I can’t believe I commented on the comments to my comment, and I can’t believe I’m voluntarily admitting it here. But I did, and I am.
I wrote something pretty similar to the post I shared here two weeks ago. In summary, I validated the diarist’s original thought, that having a dog is like having a baby. I validated the commenters’ responses. I said that sure, there are some similarities, but the stakes of having a baby are existentially and exponentially higher. I said taking care of a baby (babies) is a full-time job and the hardest thing I have ever done and often physically difficult. I said the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn is on a different level than the sleep deprivation that comes with a puppy. I said being a parent is the most difficult job there is. I said my identity is wrapped around being a mother in a way that I can’t imagine is true for dog parents.
I started out by calling this whole thing a “comment battle” because then, the original diarist responded. She said she felt sorry for me. She said my life sounded miserable. She said I was overwhelmed, that I sounded like I needed help. She said my comment made her put off having kids another 5 years because I made it sound like hell.
Listen, I know it’s unhealthy to get into an online comment battle with a stranger. Duh. But her reply really irked me, and I’ve been thinking about it on and off all week. I keep wondering: Am I wrong? Am I the only one who feels this way about having a child? Am I the only one who thinks being a mother (to humans) is all-consuming and difficult, mentally, emotionally, and physically? Am I overdramatic and overwhelmed?
The truth is, I think I’m right. I don’t think I’m even close to being the only one who feels that way about having children. I actually don’t think I’m overwhelmed. Sure, there are times I’ve been overwhelmed, like when I had a newborn and an 18-month-old and wasn’t sure how to feed the baby and play with the toddler at the same time. Or when I took both of them on a plane alone and the little one peed through her diaper while the big one threw a tantrum because he wanted pretzels instead of the cookie the flight attendant gave him. Or when I took them to the park the other day and they both wanted to ride their bikes then they both fell off their bikes at the same time. Okay, there are a lot of times when I’ve been overwhelmed.
But… that’s normal, right?
Being a mom is hard and sometimes overwhelming, right?
Having babies is different from having a dog, right?
Am I the asshole?