I’ve been a mother for about 10 seconds (actually 2 years, 1 month, 11 days and 10 hours but WHO’S COUNTING) and I am a total and complete novice. But here are some of the things I have learned in my short time as a mom:
Lift with your legs.
Clipping fingernails is way more difficult than you think it is and clipping toenails is basically impossible.
Sometimes, a single black bean is all kids eat for dinner. “Sometimes” was last night.
Being a dad is a great job.
Earplugs don’t block out toddler screams.
Earplugs do cause anxiety that you’re not hearing your toddler’s screams and what if this time it’s something really important?
Earplugs are a choking hazard.
Don’t buy earplugs.
There is a right parent to put your shoes on and a wrong parent to put your shoes on.
Tomorrow, there may be a different “right” parent to put your shoes on. Or hey, maybe it’ll be the same one! YOU NEVER KNOW!
Toys are boring. Boxes are not.
Sucking snot out of someone else’s nose is actually not that gross.
As soon as you buy a Costco pack of something that only kids eat, your kid will stop eating it. Anyone else have 14 unopened applesauce pouches stored next to 25 single-serve containers of mandarin oranges?
Unloading the dishwasher is fun! But only the unloading-the-sharp-knives part. Tupperware is b-o-r-i-n-g.
Toddlers understand more than you think they do. But they’ll pretend they don’t. (You want me to walk out to the car so we can go to the park? Right away, mother. Time to brush my teeth? I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.)
If all you hear from the other room is silence, investigate immediately. Either someone found scissors or someone is “petting” the dog and dear god let’s hope it’s not both.
Going out with just the baby while the toddler stays home with dad counts as ‘alone time.’
Going to the grocery store is a Fun Outing.
Childcare workers should be paid as much as (more than) NBA players.
Changing diapers is the easiest part.