A note about this post: This is one of those times when I feel like what I’m writing is so ridiculously obvious that I’m not sure why I’m even writing it. But I guess that’s the point of this whole thing—to discuss things a lot of moms think & feel but don’t often put out into the world. So, at the risk of sounding completely obvious and totally unoriginal, here goes.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the dichotomy of having kids, particularly babies.
Some people say “your life doesn’t start until you have kids!” Other people—actually often the same people at different times—say, “your life is over when you have kids.” It’s confusing until you realize: Two things can be true.
What I’ve learned so far, two years into becoming a mother, is that both are 100% accurate. (At least for me.) I could easily be the parent saying both of those things, and so could most parents. But I really try to focus on the first thing, even–especially–when you’re awake all night and your toddler is yelling from his bed for more milk and your baby is teething and your husband is … sleeping.
When I was pregnant with my first baby, I felt a lot of the things first-time moms-to-be feel: Excited, nervous, happy, anxious, terrified, overwhelmed, nauseous. I was reading the books and listening to the podcasts and talking to friends and I kept hearing the same things:
- You better sleep now, because you won’t sleep for a year once the baby comes!
- You have no idea what you’re in for.
- Remember that maternity leave isn’t a break–it’ll actually be one of the most difficult times of your whole life.
- If you’re not planning to get an epidural, you’ll change your mind once you feel the first contraction! (Just to be clear I very much WAS planning to get an epidural.)
- Are you ready to never be alone with your husband ever again?
- Are you ready to never go out at night ever again?
- Actually, are you ready to never go out again at all ever again?
- Man, your breasts are going to hurt.
- Everything is about to change.
- Actually, you won’t sleep for the next 18 years! Haha!
Of course, you also hear the sweet, sentimental, sorta cheesy stuff:
- You can’t imagine the love you’ll feel when your baby is born and you hold him in your arms for the first time.
- Enjoy it. The newborn phase was the best time of my entire life.
- There’s nothing like the smell of a newborn baby’s head.
- You won’t care that your baby keeps you up at night because you’ll love her so much.
- You won’t want to go out at night because you won’t want to be away from your baby.
Truthfully, the second set doesn’t really resonate with me. It’s just not my personality type–I’m not really a sugary sweet breathing-in-the-top-of-my-baby’s-head type of mother. But the first set is just … confusing. Yes, newborns and babies and toddlers and school-age kids and teenagers are a lot of work and sometimes they’ll drive you crazy and your whole life changes when you have kids etc. etc. etc. But then … like … why do so many people choose to have kids?
I get that’s an existential question and a fiercely personal one for a lot of people and I’m certainly not going to attempt to answer it, except to say it’s because kids are awesome and worth it. Also sometimes they’ll bring you a beer at 7am and say “here you go mommy!” and it’s truly hilarious and you wonder what’s going on in your toddler’s head that made him do such a thing and you get lost in that joyous/curious thought process and don’t even notice when he pours apple juice inside the bottom drawer … Until you do notice four days later and by then it’s too late and then you start to wonder once again, why do so many people choose to have kids?
Anywho, I digress. What I want to say is this: Let’s try to be balanced when we talk about what it’s like to have kids.
Pregnant women and new parents don’t just want to hear about how hard it is to have a baby. They know it’s going to be hard. They know their baby is going to wake up a lot at night and cry and not be able to use a toilet for a few years. They’re not living under a rock. And new-ish parents like me don’t want to hear things like, “Oh, you think the toddler years are difficult? Wait til he’s 13!” We’d rather enjoy the phase we’re in than start dreading the next phase.
Listen, I’m as guilty as the next person of thinking negative mom thoughts and saying negative mom things and texting my friends complaining about my toddler’s tantrums. I’m one of the people who is contributing to the negativity and to this whole dichotomy thing. It’s okay to vent and discuss your feelings and acknowledge the parts that are really tough. We should do all those things, particularly if we don’t want to have a total mental/emotional breakdown.
But let’s make sure to talk up the good/funny/joyful stuff, too. I’ll start: The other day, my two-year-old son grabbed my hand, then walked over and grabbed his dad’s hand. He said “come!” and dragged us both into the living room, then directed my husband to grab the baby. When we were all in the room, he pointed to spots on the floor where we should each sit, set out his Elmo puzzle, and said “mommy daddy Miles baby play.”
I didn’t know it before, but I guess that’s why I had kids.