The other day, someone asked me about the most important thing I’ve learned so far about parenting a toddler. Truly NOTHING is more important than remembering to lift with your legs, but validating feelings is a close second.
Through all the tantrums, all the negotiations, all the frustrations of hanging around a toddler all day and trying to get him to do at least some of what you say, the most important thing a parent can do is make the kid feel understood. At least, it is for this parent.
Toddlers and kids feel deeply. We all know that, but it’s easy to forget. When my two year old is screaming and pounding on the garage door because he doesn’t want to get out of the car, it’s tempting to roll my eyes and tell him getting out of the car is no big deal.
But the thing is, in that moment, getting out of the car – or not getting out of the car, as the case may be – IS a big deal to him. So I force myself to kneel down and tell him I understand he didn’t want to get out of the car just yet, but we’re home now and I need him inside the house so I can keep an eye on him and make dinner. He’ll probably continue crying for a few more minutes, and who knows if he really understands what I’m telling him. After all, he’s just barely two years old. But I figure I might as well start validating his feelings at a young age and hopefully he’ll internalize this simple fact: Mom listens to me, she understands and she’s on my side.
Moms want to feel understood, too!
The importance of feeling understood is equally important for adults. It’s one of the things that makes me feel true compassion for my kiddos: All I want is to feel understood, too. That’s true with my husband, my friends, my coworkers, the cashier at the grocery store, everyone. How satisfying is it when you’re in a little tiff with your significant other and they tell you, “I totally understand why you feel that way”? I’ll answer for you. Very, very satisfying.
For me, reciprocal understanding is especially important when it comes to being a mom. That’s why I love talking to other moms, reading articles about parenthood and following all the wonderful mom Instagram accounts. The other day I was scrolling through social media when I saw a message that stopped my scroll and made me feel SEEN. It said that it’s okay for parents to not enjoy the newborn phase, it’s okay to not enjoy the toddler phase, it’s okay to not enjoy the teenage phase — it’s alllll okay. It doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad dad to not enjoy certain parts of parenting, or even entire AGES.
I wish I could remember which account that was on or the exact wording of the post, but I didn’t write it down because I was likely in the middle of fetching more milk for my kid. It was probably one of the classic “Following this Instagram makes me feel better about being a mom,” like Dr. Becky or Big Little Feelings.
Truly, that idea keeps popping back into my head and it keeps making me feel warm and fuzzy and validated and understood and like I’m part of this mom community that sometimes doesn’t LIKE dealing with toddlers and THAT’S OKAY.
There are certain things I don’t like about the newborn phase – the lack of sleep at night, the whole breastfeeding rigamarole – but there are MORE things I don’t like about the toddler phase. It’s really, really hard to deal with little kids who are starting to have strong thoughts and opinions but don’t have the skills to communicate them.
It’s hard to listen to toddlers screaming and crying and pounding their fists on the floor and it’s hard when you have no idea how to help them. It’s hard when your toddler refuses to eat for an entire day and you have no idea why because they can’t really talk. It’s hard when it takes 10 minutes to walk up the stairs because your kid insists on stopping to sit down and take a sip of his milk on each step, then give his stuffed animal a sip of his milk. It’s hard when your two year old wears his duck Halloween costume every day from October 29 to December 20 and throws a tantrum when you wash it.
Sure, some of those things are adorable and charming in addition to being hard, but they’re still frustrating and they still push my impatient buttons. And honestly, sometimes I can’t wait until my kids are five or seven or nine or 14 and I can actually talk to them and communicate with them and know that even if they disagree with me, at least they can comprehend what I’m saying.
It feels good to say that. It feels good to know that other moms and dads out there feel the same way I do. All it took was one simple Instagram post, validating the feelings of all parents everywhere, to allow me to admit to myself that I don’t particularly like a lot of things about the toddler phase. Phew.