Lately, I’ve been kinda obsessed with giving myself grace and reminding myself it’s okay to not always be the BEST mom. Sometimes it’s okay to be a so-called ‘bad’ mom, as long as you keep your kids are safe and healthy (note the quotes around bad, I’m not condoning ACTUALLY being a bad mom, more like the hilarious movie franchise with Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis and Kathryn Hahn. Don’t cancel me.).
But… maybe I sometimes go too far in that direction. Maybe I give myself too much grace. Maybe I give myself too much permission to be kinda selfish and practice self-care and focus on me and maybe it’s actually detrimental to my kids.
For example, I stand by my decision to only breastfeed Linnea for two weeks. I hate breastfeeding, it hurts, it stresses me out A LOT, it causes me anxiety, I couldn’t figure out how to do it while taking care of a toddler, etc etc. and that is FINE. Linnea eats formula and I’m at peace with it.
And I stand by little decisions I make, like not forcing Miles to eat everything on his plate, allowing him a lot of latitude in day-to-day activities, not adhering to a strict sleep-eat-play schedule with Linnea.
But I just got back from a trip to Palm Springs, where I saw a few of my girlfriends and their little kiddos. The older one, a two-and-a-half year old girl, was such an absolute perfect angel that it actually made me laugh. Her mom put her to bed at 7:30 in the downstairs bedroom, which had a fake door and in which it was VERY easy to hear our shenanigans in the kitchen/living room.
Any normal 2.5-year-old would suffer immediate FOMO and climb out of that pack ‘n play faster than mom can say ‘grab me a White Claw’. Not this kid. When I asked her mom what sorcery she used to keep her kid in bed, she said ‘Oh I just told her to stay in there.’
Um …. excuse me?
And the thing is, that’s how the little girl behaved the entire weekend. Put on sunscreen? Sure, mom. Eat all my vegetables before I start on the quesadilla? No problem!
Meanwhile, my almost two year old is listening to literally nothing I say, throwing a temper tantrum because he wants to eat THAT apple instead of THIS apple, stealing candy from his dad, refusing sunscreen to the point where I just said screw it and kept him in a long-sleeved shirt on the shade.
It got me thinking: Maybe I need to try harder. Maybe I don’t need to give myself QUITE so much grace. Because part of the difference between those two kids is their natural personality, but part of it is personality. My friend is an exceptional mother, setting boundaries and holding to them, showing an incredible amount of patience and kindness. I’m kind of a good mom and sometimes a ‘bad’ mom, letting my kid get away with a little too much, letting him play with the remote because it would cause such a scene to take it away, allowing him to eat three pouches for dinner because he’s refusing all other food and I just want him to eat something, wrestling him into his shoes and socks rather than waiting patiently for him to do it himself because we’re running late.
My friend has inspired me to try to be more like her. Have more patience. Set stricter boundaries. Remain consistent. Take away the remote every time. Let him have one pouch instead of three. Give Miles five minutes to put on his own shoes and if he doesn’t do it, take matters into my own hands.
I’m sure Miles will keep being who he is — a chaotic, obstinate, deeply feeling, funny, sweet, temperamental toddler, but at least I’ll know I’m doing everything I possibly can to be a ‘good’ mom.