If I were to bill my hours like the lawyer I once was (for a very brief period), here’s what this morning would look like:
6-6:15 a.m.: Wake up to whimpering, change baby’s diaper, bring him into bed to cuddle with dad.
6:15-6:30 a.m.: Prepare baby’s bottle, heat it up, bring it upstairs, lie in bed and feed the baby his morning milk. Feel slightly guilty that I’m still feeding him a little formula at 14 months old–but he loves it and what harm could it possibly do?
6:30-6:45 a.m.: Bring baby downstairs. Let the dog out and make sure the dog’s bowls are up on the counter because if they’re not, the baby will eat his kibble. Feel slightly guilty because I allow him to eat one piece of dog food a day–but he loves it and what harm could it possibly do?
6:45-7 a.m.: Follow baby around while he gets into cleaning supply closet, removes his favorite toy–the Swiffer–and pushes it around the house.
7-7:15 a.m.: Follow baby around while he takes all the Tupperware out of the bottom drawer and pulls all the Ziploc bags out of the middle drawer.
7:15-7:30 a.m.: Follow baby around while he pulls all his books off the shelf and deposits them around the living room and kitchen.
7:30-7:45 a.m.: Lift baby into his highchair and feed him raspberries, overnight oats and…. An entire poppyseed muffin. Feel slightly guilty because poppyseed muffins aren’t exactly the pinnacle of healthy baby food–but he loves it and really, what harm could it possibly do?
7:45-8 a.m.: He’s still eating the poppyseed muffin. #momshame
8-8:15 a.m.: Change baby’s stinky diaper. My favorite!
8:15-8:30 a.m.: Follow baby around while he gets into cleaning supply closet, removes his favorite toy–the Swiffer–and pushes it around the house.
8:30-8:45 a.m.: No, that wasn’t a typo. He/we do the same thing every morning, over and over again.
8:45-9 a.m. While the baby takes all the Tupperware out of the bottom drawer and pulls all the Ziploc bags out of the middle drawer, I stare wistfully out the window and wish it weren’t raining to we could break up the morning monotony by going for a walk.
9-9:15 a.m.: While the baby pulls all his books off the shelf and deposits them around the living room and kitchen, I look up house listings in Santa Barbara and Palm Springs.
9:15-9:30 a.m.: Comfort the baby while he whines and sucks his thumb. I hold him, he wriggles out of my arms, I put him on the floor, he looks up at me and cries, so I hold him again, he wriggles out of my arms, and the cycle continues.
9:30-9:45 a.m.: Heat up the baby’s bottle and put him down for his morning nap. Breathe a sigh of relief as I retreat to my bedroom for some solo yoga and wait for the cycle to begin again in 1.5 hours.
So anyway, where’s my paycheck? I get paid to take care of my baby … right?