Today is the last weekday my husband is home with me. I kinda hate to admit it, because I should be able to be alone with the baby, but … I’m nervous about him going back to work. It means I’ll be, well, alone with the baby.
I love the baby. I’m obsessed with the baby. I want to be with him all the time. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared to be alone with him all the time (I guess it’s not all the time, but it’s probably about 50 hours per week). It’s challenging enough to take care of the baby with a full-time partner at home with me. In fact, it’s no picnic to take care of the baby even with a mom, a dad and two grandparents at the house.
I’m imagining what it’s going to be like to:
- Wake up alone
- Feed the baby alone EVERY TIME
- Change the baby’s diaper alone EVERY TIME
- Change the baby’s diaper five minutes after I already changed the diaper because he pooped right after I put on a clean one
- Carry the baby around with me and do everything one-handed
- Hold the baby when he cries
- Keep my eyes on him 100% of the time, even when he’s sleeping in his little bassinet downstairs
- 30 minutes of tummy time every day
- Load the baby into his car seat and stroller every time I need to go somewhere… alone!
- Keep myself sane while watching the baby at the same time
- Try to take at least one nap per day because I’m getting almost zero continuous sleep at night
- Pump every three to four hours to ensure Miles is getting enough breast milk
- …And all those random baby things that come up!
I know I’m capable of taking care of a baby on my own. The problem is that it’s going to be difficult and I’m going to be doing it all on quite a low number of hours of sleep per night. I hate even typing that — I feel like such a brat. Millions of people are going through the exact same thing, and billions have come before. I’m not unique. I’m just a mother to a newborn. Plus, I chose to have a baby. But that doesn’t mean I can’t feel my feelings.
Just because other people have been through it and are going through it doesn’t mean it isn’t challenging. I have a feeling this is going to be a major theme of motherhood.